Understanding conflicts with your little ones

This week, we'll help you understand and resolve toddler conflicts. We've drawn fascinating insights from recent studies from "Approaches to Conflict and Conflict Resolution in Toddler Relationships."

Remember, every challenge is an opportunity to grow — both for you and your little one. 

The parenting path is filled with twists, turns, and the occasional mystery stain, but it's also loaded with moments of unparalleled joy and laughter. 

Keep this newsletter handy for those times when the going gets tough (or when you need a good dad joke).

Understanding Toddler Conflicts

Conflict is a Learning Curve: Remember, every tug-of-war over a toy is a mini life lesson in the making. 

When they make a mistake, be kind to your baby, speak calmly, and show them how to do what they need to. Note: you might need to repeat yourself many times.

Showing them how to tackle conflict in the moment of conflict will help them develop healthy coping mechanisms. 

The Battle Over Toys: It's not just about the toy; it's about learning ownership, sharing, and negotiation.

This is a tough one. 

Your toddler wants the red ball; they don't understand why they have to give someone else the red ball, and they don't understand the meaning behind "share" just yet. 

Take a deep breath and explain it in the simplest terms. Don’t expect them to understand immediately. 

You can practice by setting aside time daily and having your toddler share toys with you and Mom. 

Gender Dynamics: While girls often use more words, boys might rely on actions. Both styles are important in their own way.

While this isn't carved in stone, it's the norm of how toddlers learn. Pay attention to how your child receives knowledge best. There's always a chance that there is also a hybrid way. Use words, actions, and visualizations with each new task until you discover how your toddler sees the world. 

It'll also help with communication and learning for the rest of their lives. 

Relationship Matters: Notice how your toddler's conflict style changes depending on whether they're with a close friend or just an acquaintance. Quite insightful!

Like gender dynamics, you can shift gears with how your toddler handles conflicts. This may change throughout their lives, but for right now, you're the one who's guiding them into the behavior you see as fit. 

Become self-aware here. How you tackle challenges will rub off on your child. If you react negatively to something and your toddler is around, they'll pick up on that. It's nothing that a few words can't fix.

You can explain to your mini-me that you made a mistake and learned a lesson. 

They will start to see how to resolve conflicts as well. 

Intensity Levels: From mild disagreements to full-on tantrums, each conflict has its unique intensity and learning opportunity.

When they react poorly, treat them with the most kindness. You can put them in a time-out to cool down, but make sure to tell them you love them despite the issues they are having. Kisses and hugs are good, too. 

There's a chance you'll say something like, "I don't want to see you right now." While that's perfectly normal and relevant, your toddler will need a little more explanation. They need to know you still love and think the world of them.

Instead try, "I need to take a few minutes to calm myself down. Would you like to do the same?" 

This way, you acknowledge that both are struggling with what's happening.

Diverse Resolution Strategies: Some toddlers compromise, some assert, and others might retreat. Each strategy is a step in dealing with life's challenges.

Let your toddler be who they are. Talk calmly with them even if they try to retreat or assert themselves. Explain that there is no "wrong" way to do things, but they do have to acknowledge their mistakes, whether they think they made one or not. 

Guiding, Not Dictating: It's tempting to jump in, but sometimes stepping back is your best support.

If you watch a conflict between two children, and neither is on the verge of hurting the other, see how it plays out. 

There may be an opportunity for your child to see things differently. 

This lesson won't be learned quickly, but stay strong and on point and speak at your toddler's level. They will understand it, and you will see some pretty cool things happening. 

Effective Conflict Resolution Strategies

Stay Cool: Your calmness is contagious. A relaxed dad can lead to a relaxed toddler.

If you find frustration is boiling over, put yourself in "time out," take ten minutes to cool down, and then come speak with your toddler.

It'll be easier on you and easier on them—plus, they see that speaking when angry or frustrated isn't a good way to find a resolution. 

Championing Sharing: Reinforce the idea that sharing can be fun — it's not just a rule but a way to make friends.

You can use this opportunity to have your toddler go over to another child and ask if they want to share a toy. You'll inspire your child to be more outgoing and not fear rejection from others while allowing them to learn more about the positive outcomes of putting themselves out there and seeing that sharing is good.

Encourage Expression: Help them find words for their feelings — it's like giving them a new tool for their toolbox.

Like labeling colors and everyday items, when your child is happy, ask them to address their feelings, the same thing with sadness, anger, tiredness, and more.

When your child can name their emotions, you can have them explain why they feel the way they are. They can be angry because their friend took their toy without asking or because another buddy has something they don't have. 

The explanations are endless. 

Once they give you their rationalization, please give them a different way to see things. It'll help them connect new ideas in their minds and will help them become more of a peacekeeper when they grow.

Modeling Resolution: Show them how you resolve conflicts. Yes, this might mean making up with Mom after a disagreement a bit more theatrically!

They mimic everything you do. 

This is an excellent opportunity to check how you manage resolutions. If you need to work on it, this is your chance! 

Applaud the Good: Positive reinforcement works wonders. Celebrate when they handle a situation well.

Celebrate the small moments, especially when your child makes good choices, does something without being asked to, or expresses kindness toward another. They need to hear about all the good things they do, too.

Teaching by Doing: Role-play with them to demonstrate empathetic and effective conflict resolution.

This is a good chance to bond with your child and teach them new things. Letting your toddler know there are always options is a great way to show them problem-solving against everyday challenges. 

Environment is Key: A harmonious environment at home sets the stage for less conflict and more play.

A harmonious environment means that issues get resolved promptly, appropriately, and calmly—even if you get frustrated. If you yell or say something you might not mean at the time of your anger, you can:

• Take a pause

• Get back to your little one

• Apologize

• Talk about the problem

to create a smooth environment where fear isn't a factor and resolutions can be the answer. 

The Dad’s Toolbox – Tips and Tricks

Infinite Patience: Like a slow-cooked stew, social skills take time to develop and mature.

The Art of Listening: Sometimes, your child needs a patient ear.

Engage in Their World: Join their play and understand their games – it’s a gateway to their thoughts.

Consistent Boundaries: Rules provide a sense of security and predictability.

Balancing Act: Encourage independence but be ready to guide when the seas get rough.

Distraction, Not Diversion: Redirecting attention can magically dissolve conflicts.

Celebrate Every Step: Recognize and celebrate every small victory in their social journey.

This Week’s Dad Joke:

Why did the scarecrow become a successful dad?

Because he was outstanding in his field!

Remember, every challenge is an opportunity to grow – both for your little one and you.

The parenting path is filled with twists, turns, and the occasional mystery stain, but it's also loaded with moments of unparalleled joy and laughter.

Keep this newsletter handy for those times when the going gets tough (or when you need a good dad joke). Stay tuned for our next issue.

Resource: Approaches to conflict and conflict resolution in toddler relationships

Ashby, Nicole, and Cathrine Neilsen-Hewett. "Approaches to Conflict and Conflict Resolution in Toddler Relationships." Journal of Early Childhood Research, vol. 10, no. 2, 17 Apr. 2012, pp. 145–161,

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Disclaimer
_{Always check with your partner and pediatrician before implementing any practices involving children. The information provided is meant for educational purposes. Please do your own research, as I have provided my own thoughts, experience, and perspectives on the matter at hand.}