Have you ever apologized to someone, and it did not go well? How did you feel in that situation? Shitty right?

I am not the best at apologizing, mainly because I try to avoid conflicts. — I know this is a bad trait, but I am working on it. However, sometimes, there is no way out, and you must face the conflict head-on.

I have two examples I want to share with you. The first is when I failed my wife due to a half-ass apology. The second is when I asked my son to apologize for throwing sand. I hope you can learn something along the way. — at my expense, of course.

Let’s get into my first example

I said I’m sorry…

I had a heated argument with my wife the other day. We both stood our ground on who was right and who was wrong. Does this sound familiar?

What we argued about is not important or relevant to this topic. What is important is how my wife felt afterward. She said something to me that stopped me in my tracks, something that overshadowed the whole argument. She said, "Why are you not validating my feelings?" 

• It did not matter whether she was right or wrong.

• It did not matter whether I had valid points.

• It did not matter if she had valid points. 

All that mattered was that I was not considering her feelings. 

I said, "I am sorry."

I failed my wife and don't think my apology sat well either.

I am supposed to be here as the person she can trust with her feelings wholeheartedly. I did not hold up my end of the bargain. 

We took time to decompress and come back at a later time when we were both at ease. We apologized to each other, and again, I invalidated her feelings. 

— What went wrong? I apologized. Was that not good enough? 

(I will return to this a bit later, but first, here is another example to help illustrate the point.)

Making my son apologize

I looked back at a time when I was a child and did something wrong to someone. I was told to apologize!

The other day, my son threw sand at another kid. I got upset and yelled, “Apologize right now!” In all honesty, he is learning, so I apologized for him.

Then I turned to my son and said, "Throwing sand at other people is not okay." Of course, he did not like that and started throwing sand at me. I told him, "You cannot throw sand at people, but you can throw sand at this plastic bucket."

I lost my cool and yelled at my son, two things that did not help anyone. First, I did not show my son how to apologize. (When he is ready, I will show him the right way). The second is that I lost my cool and yelled at him. So now I have to apologize to my son.

I said, “I am sorry for yelling. I lost my cool, and Daddy will work on not yelling. Would you like to throw sand at the bucket together? “

We played and laughed until it was time to go home.

I do not know how much he understood. I hope I continue to improve my communication with my son so that my lessons reach him.

After dealing with the sand-throwing situation, I realized everyone goes through this in one form or another.

Apologize or else

We are told to apologize. Or, you ask people to apologize for something they did wrong.

A simple apology may not go far. — If you think about it. How is an empty apology going to help anyone?

What happens if we do not apologize? The other person will continue to be upset with us. Eventually, things will get swept under the rug with lots of resentment. Then life will go on. (At least, that is what I have seen happen.)

When we grow up, we continue with half-ass apologies... I am sorry for xyz. There, we should be good now, right?

A half-ass apology is cold. It does not mean anything. 

It usually happens because we are not taught to apologize properly. And even if you were, there may come a time when you fall short or have fallen short.

We tend to say something such as 

• "I am sorry, but you...

• "I am sorry, but I told you...

• "I am sorry, but if you didn't do this...

• "I am sorry, but why can't you?

It is universal for adults, teens, kids, and even talking toddlers. When you apologize and follow with “but you,” you are not apologizing.

The reason for my bad apology

Take a moment and reflect on the last time you offered an apology. Was it heartfelt? I hope it was. 

I have struggled to understand how to give a good apology without my ego getting in the way. 

(Going back to the argument with my wife)

I believe this is why my wife said I did not validate her feelings. My ego got in the way. It wanted me to be right. It tried to protect me from an accusation. So, therefore I gave an apology.

In my half-ass apology, I also blamed her. I was ignoring where she was coming from.

I said, "I am sorry, but you... which caused me to ..."

In my apology, I explained whose fault it was—not mine. I blamed everything on her, and that is where I failed. I did not catch myself blaming her and ignoring her feelings. 

(With this thought in mind, let’s look at an example involving kids.)

There will be times when you yell at your kids. We are all humans, and our little ones will test us.

It's not if that day comes. It's when that day comes. Do not start your apology with 

I am sorry I yelled, but you.... (caused me to yell, were not listening, were not behaving, were not paying attention, etc...)

Do you see how you are blaming the other? How will your apology be received if you also blame the other person?

I believe they will use any defense mechanism they have developed to combat you. This might include storming off, yelling back at you, bottling up their feelings, or crying.

Try taking accountability in your apology. A heartfelt apology shows accountability. Accountability shows you are on their side. It shows them you are willing to listen to them. It keeps the door open for connection. The moment there is blame, they will shut the door.

Empathy

A great apology starts with empathy.

Here are some examples:

A real apology is not a template response. However, this gives a basis for how being empathetic can change the way you give an apology.

If I had put my ego aside, started with any of these phrases, and changed it to the situation, my half-ass apology would have resonated. After showing empathy, I would lead into the “I am sorry that I”... “I am sorry I need to”... “I am sorry I caused” ...

Similar to how I apologized to my son. I needed to do the same with my wife.

Reframing the apology in this manner takes accountability and empathizes with the other person.

As I continue this journey as a husband and father, I know I will make mistakes. I know I will need to apologize. At least I know how to move forward so my wife feels heard and validated. I need to empathize first before the apology.

I also understand that I will need to apologize to my son in the future. This new thought process will help me connect with my son when the time comes.

The REAL apology

Here is what has helped me when making an apology.

• Empathize

• Say you are sorry and mean it

• Explain the situation without blame

• Show you feel bad

• Show how you will fix things

Empathize

Empathy is a tough one, especially for us men. If you are like me, as a child, you were told, “Boys don’t cry.“ Showing emotions is a sign of weakness. However, empathy is something that can be developed with practice.

Don’t let yourself fall into the trap of wanting to win an argument. Instead, try to let go of your ego and assure them that you are there to listen and understand. 

In doing so, note their body language and other nonverbal communication. Listen closely. Imagine yourself in their shoes and try to understand where they are coming from.

You can validate their feelings by listening and trying to understand their perspective. This can help build a much more powerful and heartfelt apology. Remember, empathy is a valuable skill that takes time and effort to develop, but the benefits are well worth it.

Say you are sorry and mean it

When you've done something wrong, whether you hurt someone's feelings or something else, it's important to admit it was wrong and say sorry clearly. Don't make excuses or say things that make it sound like it wasn't a big deal.

When it is time to apologize, do not start with “I am sorry but you.”

Instead, take some accountability. Say something like, “I can see how this hurt you…”

Explain the situation without blame

Explain what happened, but don't make excuses. Sometimes, admitting there's no justification for your actions is necessary.

“I am sorry that I…”[explain what went wrong] without blaming the other person.

Show you feel bad

Show that you're sorry. Expressing your embarrassment or upset can help the other person know you mean your apology.

Let them know you hear them loud and clear. If they are not ready to accept the apology, tell them you will still be there for them.

Show how you will fix things

Consider ways to improve. If you've hurt someone, acknowledge their pain and commit to being kinder in the future.

Show actual steps on how you will make an effort to be better.

The wrap-up

Apologizing may be a lost skill. There will be times when an apology is in order. The best way to deliver an apology is to express empathy. That simple action can turn a half-ass apology into a heartfelt one.

Remember, this does not only apply to adults. It also applies to your little ones. They need to be heard and know that you are their safe place.

Dad joke of the week

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs… 🤣 

If you found this entertaining or learned something, please forward this newsletter to other parents.

Thank you for taking the time to read through the newsletter.

— Aurelio

Disclaimer
_{Always check with your partner and pediatrician before implementing any new practices involving your children. The information provided is meant for educational purposes. Please do your research, as I have provided my thoughts, experience, and perspectives on the matter at hand.}